sekari

[sekari]

Haven’t written here in a while. Been distracted with holidays and family stuff and work stuff and I don’t know. 

I’ve been talking to the gender therapist, and it’s going along. But in a way I’ve almost started to dread those sessions. I have one in half an hour and I’m feeling that way now. I’m kinda writing this to organize my thoughts. I have issues with my appearance and she suggested that I see a makeup consultant to learn about that and see what I might look like. I haven’t contacted them. 

Mostly because of general procrastination. But also because in a way I’m scared to. I’m worried that I’ll sabotage it. That no matter what they do I’ll still hate myself and think it looks ridiculous. I’m worried that it would be some kind of confirmation that maybe I’m not really trans. Maybe I’m just depressed and have low self-esteem and I look at all these trans girls who are so happy and I want to do that too. I never see posts about people expressing doubts like I feel. I know that transitioning is something that I want, have wanted for decades, but I don’t know if it’s something that I need. I’m scared of it because it feels like doing this will be embarking on a life that is difficult and expensive and I don’t know if I can handle the constant scrutiny or pressure. When I think about it I don’t see the freedom and liberation that everyone talks about, I see a life of constant struggle. 

And I wonder if that’s failing some crucial test. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll work up the nerve to talk to the therapist about it. 

[sekari]

[sekari]

Have an appointment with a gender therapist next week. Kinda terrified. Part of it is having to explain, out loud, all of my issues and feelings about this. But also because my flavor of dysphoria is not at all typical and I’m worried that she’ll say that it doesn’t count.

I should calm down and remind myself that it’s not going to be antagonistic. I’m not going to have to prove myself and justify my being trans. She is not a gatekeeper that I need to placate or outsmart. I don’t really think that she’ll ‘disqualify’ me in some way. And even if she does, there are other options.

I’ve also been experimenting with women’s clothes a little. Very weird and hard to get used to. Everything is tight and there’s no pockets. Panties are strange. Even the ‘boyshorts’ are like wearing almost nothing. I’ve never had dysphoria about my appearance or had urges to try on feminine clothes. Kind of hope that I can get away with neutral clothes as long and as often as possible.

[sekari]

It took several hours to work up the nerve, but I just sent the therapist an email. 

[sekari]

Got the night off from work so I’m trying to think of if as serendipity by doing something productive. Been staring at the contact form for the gender therapist for a little while now. 

This feels like one of those point of no return moments. I know I’ve accepted that this is something I want, and I’ve told some of my friends about it and they’ve all been very supportive. But this is still kind of scary. This is making it real.

[sekari]

I came out to another one of my friends yesterday. That makes three. All of them were very supportive. I knew they would be, but it was still difficult.

Still trying to find a gender therapist in my area. My boss said the one he used was over skype. I might look into that if I can’t find a local one. I’d prefer actually talking to someone face to face. doing that online seems strange.

I’m a little torn about starting therapy now, and getting the ball rolling on other things like HRT, or waiting until I do some more research. Kinda just want to get everything started. But I’m worried about rushing into it. Also think the research might help me understand my own issues, which are a bit atypical. Might help me articulate them when I talk to someone.

[sekari]

Kind of came out to one of my bosses tonight.
Which is less of an issue than it sounds. He’s trans, FTM. As I was leaving I gave him a note asking if he could recommend a Gender Therapist. I’ve only known him a short time, but we get along well. I don’t mind him knowing. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about it. At this point all I need is the answer to the note. 

[sekari]

I’ve barely used this blog in the past few years. But I think I’m going to pick it back up again and re-purpose it as a transition blog.

Yeah, I think I’m Transgender (mtf)

It feels okay saying that here because I only have a handful of followers and none of them are my IRL friends or family. 

I already have a hardcopy journal for all of my transition thoughts and stuff, but I’ll post some of that here. Might do some pictures too. I don’t really like the idea of that. I have some dysmorphic issues that make pictures difficult. But I should do something like that if only to document changes and experiments. 

I’m not sure if I’m going to post a bunch of trans memes and stuff like a lot of people do. Not really into that. 

Anyway, if you notice this on your feed and it’s not your thing, feel free to unfollow.

[sekari]

I just realized that I didn’t post last years book list here. it’s five more than the year before. This year I want to try and at least get to 40, and read more nonfiction. 

[sekari]

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